I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
