You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
should my penis look like a turkey
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
