I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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