everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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