Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sorry about my life...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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