my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
