last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
