Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
