i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
