I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
