I'm gonna have a badass scar
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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