I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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