Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
