im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Vodka?
Forever.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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