none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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