I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
