Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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