He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
