the condom got lost in my hair
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
