did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
