just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
