its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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