he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
