Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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