he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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