Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
