I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
