While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
