I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize