i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
