i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
