I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
