there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
we should paint friendship bongs
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