If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
