i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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