just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
