oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I looked at my own cervix.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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