So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
