mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
