you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
