i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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