So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize