whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
