When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
