Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
