are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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