You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
