I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
