RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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