I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
