i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
