I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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