Sry I called you an 8
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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