What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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