if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
