'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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