i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
