I hate all girls vehemently.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
